Lisa In Love
An Out-of-Body Experience
I hate the person I am when I’m in love. It’s not who I really want to be. I get taken over by this over protective, needy and sometimes even jealous girl who expects the world and no less. And then once I’m no longer in love, I look back and I think of the person I was, and I just can’t recognise her.
I give so much advice on this blog. What you should and shouldn’t do. How to be independent in every aspect of the word. How to not need a man and why not to have boys as the main priority in your life. And then… I fall in love. And everything I ever wrote, preached or enforced onto my friends, flies out of the window faster than me when someone brings up that guy I dated in grade school.
I lose every sense of strength, will power and sometimes even self respect. I prioritise him without a second thought and base every second of my day around this one human being. I am so disappointed in myself.
Now that I’m able to look back at my previous relationships and look at the bigger picture from afar, I’m filled with regret regarding the way I acted. Ok, maybe he didn’t act great too. But I was so ready to always point the finger. Throw the blame on him. Expect him to fix everything whilst I sat around and waited for him to ‘clean up his act’, when maybe I should’ve been working on cleaning up my own act. Stopped expecting and started learning.
Where did I get this attitude from? This whole ‘my way or the highway’ act. I’m so set in my ways of expecting the person I love to want to do whatever it takes to keep me happy when this really shouldn’t be the case. And when this fails to happen, I am completely broken. Because I let myself be. Because I become weak to the puppet strings of love and I turn into this hopelessly devoted person with out a fraction of self control.
There it is. That’s exactly it. The words I’m looking for. A loss of self control. The phrase which describes this out-of-body experience. A wave of helplessness takes over me. I give myself up and surrender my independence completely without even being asked to do so. I just do it out of weakness and infatuation.
This is what my idea of love has been shaped to look like. Submission and devotion to my significant other. I guess this makes me a hopeless romantic, although I wouldn’t be caught dead admitting to it. The image I pass across of myself is far from that of a hopeless romantic. Because I don’t consider myself one, until I’m taken over by the fast spreading malignant tumour which is love. Racing through me and defeating all of my systems one by one. My immune system fails to fight back.
